Dear New Inspiration,

Last night while I was sleeping, my chest grew heavy as my heart refused to wake. My mind was wrestling for control again and my eyes were gasping for light. Suffocating with out something to filter through. Panicking with out something to report to my rationale. I broke out in a cold sweat that flooded my bed. The air grew stiff and stale with the smell of salt and body. My heavy sighs and gasps carried my roof far from sight and my trembling crumbled my bedroom walls into a fine sand resting at the bottom of the now still calm ocean surrounding me. I sat up, attached my bed sheets to the mast of my small sail boat and drifted with the breeze. The heavy scent of heaven was blowing by and I knew that this wind that carried me was nothing more than the breath of God.
I settled somewhere between the edge of the world and the universe. The life I was once trying so hard to come back to, now drowning under miles of my subconscious fears. I rest in the boat for a while and just listened to the sounds of the waters gently lapping up the splinters off the side of my wooden bed frame. I watched the fragile sky hanging from a frail thread just above me when I heard the ripples of water hitting my boat faster and faster. An ocean mist was caught in the breeze and I jerked awake to see what was happening.
  The seas were having a masquerade and everyone was invited. Waves and swells alike dancing across the open water with no care in the world. Messages in bottles being devoured and consumed. Letters sent to lost loves and dreams written down for others to read began to intoxicate the, already drunken, crowd. The Tides kept going in and out for smoke breaks and then carelessly tossing their cigarette butts to the distant shorelines. I noticed it was slowly getting brighter when I looked to the once solid black sky. That’s when I saw them walking in. The Grand Council of the heavens were taking their places in the balcony seating of the cosmos. The stars seemed brighter tonight than ever before. They were twinkling and laughing with grins from one side to the other. Their burning passion and zest for life was the only thing keeping the party going in a night that was destined for darkness.
Then just as things were getting good, they saw each other from across the room. The East and The West were staring each other down from across the dance floor and things fell silent. These two were born mortal enemies in constant war over who owns what land. We watched as their tension grew. My boat began to dip further from the skies as the water sucked out from underneath me fueled them higher. Tsunami’s by blood, they were prepared to devastate anything in their way to get at one another. This was the perfect time. They came charging from opposing ends and the closer they got to one another the lower my boat sank into their shadows. The Current grabbed the ocean floor and pulled as hard as he could ripping the very earth from underneath The East. He came crashing down at the feet of The West which sent him crashing even harder. He tripped over The Wake, who was napping in the middle of the floor, and tried to catch himself on the ripples of The Water Droplets gown. He rolled right into the horizon and the Council of the Stars were shaken. The Milky Way poured out across their meeting and thier panicked energy sent the black sky into a dizzy frenzy of dust in the wind of the galaxies. Stars were falling left and right, many of them grasping hold onto anything they could find. The crest of the moon, the rays of the sleeping sun, anything with in their reach. That’s when I saw you, the smallest star in the sky, but not far from the brightest. You were hurdling towards my boat with a tail of fire scorching the atmosphere. You splashed into the dance floor and your fire was turned into a cloud of steam and frustration.
When you climbed up into my makeshift boat you shook off the excess water and I could feel the warmth of your heart gleaming inside of you.
“I’ve never met a star in person before” I said with a stupid grin firmly rooted in my face.
You looked at me as if I’d just said something ridiculous as if you meet people everyday. I immediately uprooted my smile and took a step back.
“How is it that I watch over your world, and you’ve never noticed me before” You asked with a slight tone of anger. I just shrugged and just explained that I’d never really considered the stars before. They were always so distant and so much brighter. They have things to do and responsibilities far beyond anything I could ever be, why would they want to speak with me. We sailed into the dawn and you explained you’d have to catch a ride back home on the morning dew. I understood but there was still so much I wanted to know. What does the world look like from the sky? What is it like to free fall to earth? What does it feel like to burn with such charisma and character?

You held me close as we said our goodbye’s and that is the moment I felt it. Something inside of me caught flame and burnt up. My heart was on fire for life again and I had you to thank. With a flash of light you were ascending back to where you belong but I knew it wouldn’t be but another passing of daylight before I saw you again.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. I could feel a cold morning pressing it’s eager hands against the glass of my window. I lifted the window and the morning came flooding on in pushing out any air of doubt and confusion. 

Sincerely,
Me 

Dear Fatality,
Years ago I left because your love is contagious.Your love is raw and real and ready to spread.Your love is alive and thriving and pumping through your veins.Your love is fatal. Now here we are wandering the cold dunes of nightI’m stumbling over my own feet while trying to walk at your paceSlow. Steady. Simple.
Sincerely,The Lost Boy

Dear “Road-Block” Lover,

If I say one final thing to you, let it be this: Tonight I remembered why the moon makes me think of you. You’re smile is just as bright and it’s under your protection that my dreams roam free. Tonight I remembered why a rushing wind makes me laugh and that’s because it reminds me of the first and last time your warm breath danced across my lips before they met mine like the mouth of the river meets the ocean. Your fresh taste rushing across the remains of my salty untamed language. Tonight I remembered why I feel heavy in my bed. It’s because I close my eyes and imagine you here next to me and suddenly I sink deeper into the coolness of my sheets wondering if there is any possible way I could stretch out just a little bit further. Praying, hoping, wishing your skin will press against mine as if to say “Don’t worry. I’m here. I will always be here. Dream of me and as long as you do I promise I will never stray”

But the moon is still distant, the wind still blows right through. My bed is still empty and there is still no you.

Sincerely,
Forward Motion 

To the Wild One,

Last night I snuck out my window and walked from one end of my neighborhood to the other. I jogged over the bridge, and sprinted from the end of the bridge to the end of the pier. Out of breath, I tossed my legs over the ledge, rested my arms on the railing, and swung my feet, kicking at the universe. I skipped a rock across the stars and the ripples woke the moon. She turned to me and said “Why the heavy sighs?” Before I could even respond she said, “I don’t mean the ones you so angrily are tossing from your lungs I mean the ones I hear in sync with your heart beat.” I said “I don’t know what you mean by that.” She said “Darling, we’re all running from something, and your heart, it’s running from something too. I can hear it. It’s tired and is asking you to just take a moment to breathe. It misses the sound of your lungs when they take a deep breath. It misses the feel of oxygen caressing it’s inner most chambers, it misses the light of you smile.”

I told her about you. I told her about your wild ways; about how your hands always find their way. I told her that there was something burning in your eyes that could make me see things in me I’d never seen before. I told her that even though you’re not near me I can still feel the warmth of your skin your bite on my neck. I still hear your heart racing with mine and your exhale on my shoulders. I still smell your cologne on my clothes and your breath on my stomach. You are still here. You are still roaring in my insides. sending every winged creature I contain, bouncing in their cages. I know that if you wanted to, you could consume me, but instead you tease me. Yet, all I want is to be closer to you because with out you, I don’t feel like I’m worth much of anything.

She says she knows the feeling. She said she knows what it’s like to be far from the one that sheds light on your life. The sun touches her cheek lightly, and shows only the parts of her he wants to. He balances her. He keeps her moving by moving her world. He warms the earth, and she controls it’s highs and lows. She said that She too thought that she could run from him. She too every now and again will hide from his light and refuse to shine, but in the end she knows she needs him. She is no longer afraid of the things he has control over, but is at rest knowing that he will always be there for her.

So I wandered back home, I climbed in my window, and lay in my bed. I stared at the glow in the dark stars so neatly organized in rows on my ceiling and laughed at how my whole world has been perfectly aligned my whole life. My whole life, completely, totally, utterly unprepared for you. I stood up on my bed and ripped down a star. Then another. Then another. I place them in random places sending my whole ceiling into disarray. Now, slightly more like the real world, I rolled over and fell asleep. Smiling knowing that I am now one step closer to be ready for you.

The wild one.

To Whom It May Concern:

I wrote you this spoken word piece, but I’ve never had the courage to read it to you. I say it out loud to myself when I’m driving and need to see the wind rip the words from my lips. I say it out loud to myself when I’m in the shower and I need to rinse the words from my mouth. So here it goes. I wrote this one for you.

You once told me I was your world. Before I could stop you from saying much more you were tearing through my ozone. You were breaking down every wall I’d ever built. My “Hell No-Zones”. You came tearing through my atmosphere. Burning through my up-most fears. You had the nerve to crash land on my shores where you knew my love was washing in like the tide. You knew if you lay there long enough my emotions would creep towards you, washing in slowly. Getting close enough to touch, and backing out, slightly closer, and backing out. You weren’t going to pretend for long though so you stood up and just missed the graze of my waters.
I had no other choice that this point but to sprawl myself beneath your pioneer hands. Rough and weathered from the many worlds you have seen before. Why did I think that a world like me, unknown to men like you would need an explorer to tell me what the terrain is like. I know what it’s like. I’ve been there. I’ve lived there. I created it.Your fingers traced my horizons and I, anxious like a child began to call out all the things I was afraid you’d miss. I explained ever battle wound, faded scar. I talked about them as if wars happened there. As if you couldn’t see the scorched forests of pride and self esteem that were burnt to ashes by the carelessness of men before you. I showed you ever freckle calling them out almost by name as if they are the major cities you should really check out while you’re in town. As if maybe if you don’t find something you like in the grand picture maybe some tourist attraction, some small attraction will click in the depths of one small beauty mark.My veins my coursing rivers. My ribs the mountains and valleys. My hip bones the cliffs you’re too afraid to dive off of. My mouth the mouth of a volcano you are so dangerously tossing words into. Sacrificing them to a god you think lives inside of me. The violent words of love and lust locked in my heart are boiling with everything you toss at me. My mountains and valleys shaking with the pressure building, threatening to crack my fault lines. Threatening me like this one is my fault.
My lungs exhaust the ever awaited heat wave that has been building beneath my crusts and you’re caught in the wake of the wind.

You once told me I was your world. That I meant everything to you. Really you were feeding me all that you could until you could find your way out. You’ve awakened the God inside of me. But I promise you, He is far greater than the dormant giant you were feeding. 

Dear Love,

No one has ever looked at me the way you do. Your eyes have a beautiful smile that drags me in. I can feel you looking at me completely different than anyone else looks at me. You look into me. You dance around with my soul and I can feel your worldy rhythm changing the beat of my heart. No matter what I do I keep coming back to you. You have me held captive and you know it.

Sincerely,
Michael 

To the Spirit of My Everyday Life,

There hasn’t been a day to go by yet that I haven’t thought about you. I miss you. I think about you after every song on the radio that you harmonized to. I think about you every time I put on clothes that you’ve seen me in. I think about you every time I take longer than a minute to brush my teeth. Every time I wake up laying on my stomach, every time I put on a necklace, every time I drive on I-95, every time I write my mom a note in her lunch, every time a boy smiles at me, every time I hear someone speak your native tongue, every time the clock says 3:13; I think about you. Worst of all every time I close my eyes I see your face. Every time I feel the touch of another boys skin on mine I think about how much warmer, how much smoother, how much closer yours felt. Every time I take a moment to experience my own body, I think about how even you knew it better than I did. I have a scar from that time we don’t talk about. It’s permanent. All those scars, all those wrinkles, all those small things on your skin I spent so long learning about and now I have one of my own, just for you.
I’ve gone off the deep end since you’ve left. Trying to find ways to keep occupied so that I can’t think about you. Exhausting myself to the point that at the end of the day I barely have energy to breathe let alone picture your face. I keep drowning you out with the stale breath and the scratchy voices of other men and I promise you that none of it is working. Every day I think about all those letters I wrote to you that you never took the time to read. Those words I sent to you fell upon an already closed mind. I spent more than time on you. I spent words. I spent written word. Those are things I can never take back. Writing is permanent. Words are the only thing that give people the ability to life forever and now part of my eternity has been spent on you.
Do me a favor, keep it well. Know that I meant it. Know that I miss you.
Know that not a day has gone by that I didn’t think about you.

Love,
The One Living The Life You So Willingly Abandoned

To the Boy I Never Gave A Chance To,

We met in an adorable restaurant no bigger than a small apartment. Located off a small alley way in the middle of a bustling city, we sat down in a lantern lit garden built with lawn furniture odds and ends, umbrellas hung by christmas lights, and vines acting as walls. We had never seen each other in person and we did in fact meet online. This was our first date. After everything I said you responded with “Really? Tell me more about that!” you wanted to hear everything I had to say as quickly as possible in between bites of the absolute best food I’ve ever eaten. I’ve never told you this, but it was the first time I’ve ever felt heard. I have never tried so hard to talk about my life as much as I did that night. You remember all the details too. Every last one. My sister’s names, dates of days that I did things, places I’ve been and the food I ate while I went there; you know it all.

Casual conversation continued until it started to rain and we moved quickly inside. You got up to go to the restroom and I overheard some teens next to us talking about how gay men would totally date female models and not have sex simply because they look good together. I turned and corrected her saying that if a man is saying he’s gay and sleeping with a female model, chances are, he’s not gay. They smiled and said we were a really cute couple. They asked how long we’d been together and who was the more dominant one. They kept flooding me with questions until I stopped them and said “This is our first date. We just met.” They said that they would have never guess by the way we look at each other.
When you came back, I didn’t tell you everything they said but now I am. You need to know because I screwed up big time.
I was too afraid…

You said that you’re really excited to catch up. It’s good to know you forgive me. Let’s start over.

Hi, I’m Michael.
Nice to… have never met you.

Dear Lover,

You told everyone you were tired. Said, “We’re gonna go to sleep”. I was ready to feel your arms around me. You were ready to feel around me. You just laid there with your eyes being pulled down by the weight of your eyelashes, when I wrapped one leg around yours, my arm across your chest. “C’mon. You know what I like”. That’s all you responded with. So I laughed and sprawled the entirety of my weight onto your body. My ribs moving with the motion of yours, my face buried in the curve of your neck. This is where I learned to fall asleep to the sound of all the thoughts trickling down from your ear, unable to contain themselves anymore. Here I learned you heart beat by feeling the pulse of your neck against my lips. On this night in particular, I learned that you has a pressing issue between us.
It was slight at first, just something I naturally over look because many times, boys can’t help it. Neither of us could help it. A kiss. An inhale. A gentle graces of fingertips from underarm to the inside valley of the hip. A bite of the lower lip. An exhale against the neck. You’re guiding me, moving me, tossing and turning and controlling me. My body has become clay for you to mold into whatever form you want it to take, so you take my hand. Press it against the issue between us and for a moment we simply look at each other. No words and yet a long and serious conversation. Everything is going to be fine.
Nothing left but the very skins God gave us, we touched in every which way we possibly can. No part of your body has been left with out the healing touch of a kiss. However, I am far too nervous to bring this to an end and I could tell you were slowly becoming frustrated with me, with my body, with my issue.
Then I fell in love with you.
  We had come to a low point and we were just learning about each other’s bodies. The street lights were breaking in through the blinds and you sat up to say, “I want to see your scar”. You wanted to see the scar left in the upmost intimate place from a small procedure when I was young. I was embarrassed. I was confused. I was tearing up with out letting you see. The light was too dim, but you slide one finger across it and all you said was, “I can feel it”. You smiled at me and learned against the wall were eventually out night came to a dramatic ending.
Laughter made the taste of you seem far less bitter. Smiling made it seem more genuine. Trying to cuddle with you when all you did was pull away made the distance just seem greater. I spent days like this, trying to figure out what I did that made you stop trying to love me.

Try Harder to Forget My Name,

The boy who has already forgotten yours.

Envious Lover,

A lot of people say that jealousy is ugly — but to me, a little goes a long way. You will be somewhat posessive and that will make me feel like you consider me yours. That is by far the most amazing feeling in the world because it will make me realize that I want to give you my heart. even though, it’s already yours.

You’ve captured my heart so don’t mind me if I steal a glance every now and then.

As for kisses I’m going to take those and run as fast as possible cause i never want you to take them back.

I’m falling for you.

I’m afraid of heights, but you’re worth everything, even conquering my fears.

<3 Michael